What To Say When The Heart Wants, What It Can Not Have
As I type these words on my laptop, I know, that at this time, you’ll be lying on your bed, trying to sleep with a weary heart. A heart that wants, what it can’t have.
Hearts are made that way. They are stubborn and demanding. And especially so when you are in love with someone. Like you are! Like I am!
Love, between a man and a woman, is the most mysterious force I have ever known, in my life. One moment you are flying above the clouds, and the next moment, you are buried in the darkness of the earthly realities of life. Stuck! Unable to think straight. Brain dead!
I touch your face and it lights up. I kiss you, and you feel as if I have breathed life in you, and yet, when you think that I won’t be with you for always—if any “always” exists—you feel as if your heart is sinking to the bottom of the ocean of your miseries.
That’s how love is! Ecstatic and life threatening at the same time. That’s the mystery of it.
I try to think logically. I try to analyze love. I try to dissect it and explore its different dimensions. I try to fit it in different categories. I have been doing it for decades, and the only thing I could come up with, is the element of possession in love.
When you love someone, you become possessive about him or her. And probably that’s the exact point where the roads diverge, and you are taken on a journey that is filled with roses and thorns at the same time.
You smell the roses and yet you are wounded and scarred by the thorns, when you try to cut them from the roots and keep them all for yourself.
Then you look back and wonder, what if you have chosen the other road? The safer one. The one, that might not have hurt you. For hurt is still hurt, even if it comes with the momentary elation of the spirit.
I know, sometimes I don’t make sense. But when it comes to love the boundaries of what we call sense blur with the limitlessness of insanity. So forgive me for that, because I’m helpless in clearly defining these unfathomable borderlines.
Come, put your head in my lap, while I talk to you. You know, what puzzles me the most is that why we are unable to love each other, the same, without trying to possess each other?
Why the more my heart wants you, the more I want to possess you? Why can’t I just love you for the sake of loving? Why do I have to have you in my life, physically, in some way, to be able to feel some peace of mind?
I hear you whispering, my love. Are you asking the same questions?
Your teary eyes confirm my understanding. Let me kiss away your tears!
I am feeling a strange and subtle pain in my chest, like someone is grabbing my heart right now. I always feel that when it’s time to leave you and go back to my “life”. The same old routines of everyday life. The days slipping into nights—endlessly.
But I’ll stay with you a little more tonight, because I want to tell you something.
“What, my love?”, I hear you asking.
It will come out of me when it will be time, my love, so just stay put. Just feel me with you right now, in this moment, because this is the only moment that we got. Together! You and me.
In this moment, all I want, is to feel your presence, your warmth, your smell, your touch. This moment is Life for me. Let me live it for a moment.
The unpredictability of life, makes every moment I spend with you, precious. When you are with me, I spend a lifetime in one single moment. That’s another mystery of love—and time.
So, we were talking about possession. Is it because of our egos or is it in the nature of love by default? I don’t really understand. And more than that I don’t understand that why we are meant to love some people so much more than others?
Why you came into my life, and why I became a part of yours? It happened, all by itself. Without thinking. Without planning.
What is it, that you and me have to experience together? Why have we been brought so close to each other, like this? Who is moving the cords and for what reasons? Will we be able to understand all this—ever?
Is it possible to love someone like this and forget? Is it possible to turn this kind of love into a distant memory one day, to be recalled less and less as time passes? I don’t know, but maybe I’ll know when the time comes.
And what if, just what if, let’s assume, for a moment, that some miracle happens, and we are together forever—again if a “forever” exists—will the intensity of our love for each other remain the same? That is another question, that I don’t know the answer of. Let’s see if a time comes, when we get an answer for this, or not.
Why is your heart beating so fast, my love? I can even hear your heartbeats. Looks like it’s time for me to leave. Maybe that’s why I feel your hand clutching mine, holding it tight, as if you don’t want me to leave. I know, I understand this. But leave, we all must, my love, one day!
So now let me tell you what I want to tell you, before I finally leave. After I am gone, remember these words. Don’t think about them, but feel them. Because they might, they just might be able to bring some peace in your heart.
I heard them in a movie, Moulin Rouge. Spoken by someone like me, who loved someone like you. And they stuck a cord with me ever since, and I want to convey that message to you now.
So listen and listen with your heart that:
The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love, and be loved in return.
And we have already learned that. You and me!
Whether we are together tomorrow or not, never forget to pass on this message, my love. For it is indeed one of the greatest lessons in life.
Now let me kiss your eyes and say good bye. And you know very well, how much I hate, “Good byes”. But we all have to take leave one day, whether in life or in death.
So good bye, my love! I hope, wish and pray to say to you, “Hi Love”, soon.